Sunday, November 6, 2011
Whoa - so is this some kind of seasonal thing??
So tonight I planned to re-vamp and re-post a blog a wrote a while back about "having it all together," because lately I've really been struggling with just that. So I went into my archives to find that old blog, and, low and behold, I wrote it last year on November 7th.
So is this just a seasonal perfectionist syndrome? Is anyone else feeling it too? Feel free to jump on my bandwagon. There's lots of room.
Cause I have a confession to make.
I want to seem like I have it all together. All the time.
A home that sparkles with Martha Stewart-esque perfection and creativity. Delicious, healthy, organic meals direct from my kitchen every day. A high-intensity workout routine that never slips from my daily schedule. Hair, skin, and clothes that always look put-together, fun, and chic. Spectacular performance at my full-time ministry job, single-handedly changing the world one student at a time. Constant communion with my Savior. Insanely brilliant writing, dance, and art projects just pouring from my mind like an open faucet of genius. Words and attitudes that are always full of mercy and grace. And of course, the ideal marriage: minimal conflict + maximum oneness, intimacy, and fun.
But seriously, who wants to be friends with that girl?
It's funny how we so treasure transparency in others, but we rarely like to be vulnerable enough to show it in ourselves.
So here's some transparency for ya: when I get home from a long day at my job, I do not want to do housework. So some chores get put off. Behind our tightly shut laundry room doors, there's probably 3 entire loads of clean laundry stacked like the leaning tower of Pisa, completely ignored and untouched for who knows how long. I forget to do important things like send thank-you notes, check the tire pressure on my car, and fill the tank up with gas. And just the other day, I sobbed and babbled to my husband late into the night because I was feeling like I had no one else in my life who really cared or wanted to listen to me.
I've always thought I was a very transparent person, but maybe I'm wrong about that. Because of the clenched feeling in the pit of my stomach that writing that paragraph gave me. You see, I don't really want anyone to know those things about me. Because on some level I want to maintain the shiny facade that I really can keep all the plates spinning without having a nervous breakdown.
But I'm starting to learn that I just need to RELAX.
Sometimes, a few of the balls I'm juggling are going to get dropped. I'm not going to be the best at everything. In the great scheme of things, that's really not a big deal. The world will not stop spinning because I am not personally turning the handle to make it go 'round. Because it's just not about me. God is oh-so-much bigger than I am, and He already has everything taken care of.
So he said to me, “This is the word of the LORD [...] ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.
So no, I don't have it all together.
And that is starting to be A-OK with me.
Want to come over for a cup of coffee in my messy kitchen? I won't even do the dishes before you show up.