Easter

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. It will only be the 3rd Easter ever I've spent away from my family, making it look a little bit different than it usually does. I still have a brother who's only in the 5th grade, so Easters in our family have always included egg hunts, grassy baskets, lots of candy, lamb-shaped cakes, and child-like wonder. This year, my sweet family is 500 miles away, so tomorrow will feel a bit bittersweet. There won't be eggs to hunt for, or an adorable "lamby-cake" to enjoy. Instead, me and the hubs will make a big, special breakfast, and celebrate Resurrection Sunday with the in-laws at our incredible church. And I've been praying this week that the reality of what Easter means, away from the fluffy, saccharine, candy-floss coating, would really just smack me in the face this year like never before. So, on that note, I wanted to share this with you. Almost exactly 5 years ago, I felt very moved to write this story - a perspective on Easter that I hadn't thought of before. It's a little long, but if you have the stamina, check it out. I hope it gives you a fresh perspective too. It may be Saturday tonight, but Sunday's coming!

 ~ ~ ~ 

The greatest moment in the history of the world. The ultimate turning point. A dramatic changing of the tides. The moment that, literally, changed everything for the rest of time as we know it on a cosmic level. The biggest surprise ever conceived. God never ceases to amaze me with his sheer enormity; when I was young, I saw God and the devil in some kind of raging cosmic battle. Though I always knew the victory

belonged to the Lord, I visualized war field where sometimes God would win, other times the devil got some points for himself, but the struggle was immense. Now that I'm grown, how relieved I am to know of my wrongness and God's greatness! Try to wrap your minds around this; even the devil's most ingenious schemes are deeply embedded in God's greater plan. These are not semi-equal adversaries we're working with here like characters in a superhero movie; this is the almighty creator of the universe against nothing but a slighted, whiny, power-hungry created being. Which brings me to the greatest moment in the history of the world; a climax that could only be topped by Christ's triumphant return. So what is it? In many Christian circles, we may here answers like the birth of Christ, the immaculate

conception, the crucifixion, and especially the resurrection. While these near the top of the list, they're not quite where I'm heading. So let's go there. Picture with me the scene from a perspective you

may never have thought about before... 

A chilled wind has picked up suddenly, and onlookers clung more tightly to their thin cloaks throughout the throbbing crowd. The sky is gray, not unusual for this time of year, but there is a new, fearful heaviness as the clouds roll in more thickly than they'd ever seen. The emotions vary from person to person; some are weeping, others cursing, and still more are indifferent or confused. One figure though, one lone, hooded figure, is possibly the only observer absolutely reeking with delight. Though it's only early afternoon, it feels as if dusk has long since fallen away, and that suited him just fine. Finally, FINALLY, after centuries of planning, after so many infuriating failures, the so-called Son of God would be a problem he no longer had to suffer. How desperately he had tried to snuff this infestation out before it even started, and what did he have to show for it? He had grown dangerously tired of defeat. But none of that mattered now; in matter of moments, it would all be over. For good this time. How ridiculous the Almighty had been to try and save them this way; in all of his eons of musings, our observer could never quite wrap his mind around why He cared so fervently for these quivering insects. Ungrateful, slobbering, ugly imbeciles, each and every one of them! And He had had the audacity to stamp them with His very image. As if they deserved it! It was almost too much for our observer's proud heart to bear. In fact, it was quite too much for his proud heart to bear, which is why he is here in the first place. You see, he had once been the embodiment of beauty, and so very near to the Almighty that he could reach out and touch Him. But it hadn't been near enough, and it had been his eternal downfall. The fact that these peons had received not only His beauty, but His love, was enough to earn them an eternity of vengeful hatred. Joy did not come to our dark observer often, but today was a very special day indeed. At the sight before him, it was all he could do to hold back his laughter; the Man's flesh was so torn and bloodied that He was almost unrecognizable, and a crown of horrifyingly pointed thorns had been driven deeply into the flesh above his eyes. Our observer chuckled to himself, pleased at the delightful irony. While others pushed and shoved through the masses to get a closer look, the observer was quite content with his chosen spot; he could see quite well enough from here. Besides, his work here was almost complete. It was almost disappointing how easy it had been; he had carefully observed the disciples for quite some time, and Judas proved to be an achingly uncomplicated mark. The plan had worked flawlessly. The only surprising hitch in the betrayal was Jesus himself. For the last 33 years, the observer had been careful to keep a safe but watchful distance from the shatteringly powerful King, his only defenses, after all, being deception and lies. Naturally, he had been prepared for an incredible fight in the garden that night, but, shockingly, none came. The Carpenter had simply went with His captors without struggle or might, which had brought the observer's only short-lived moment of pause. The feeling had passed, though, soon enough, as the rest of the well-oiled plan played out beautifully throughout the night. Everything was going swimmingly, and it was now climaxing in the Carpenter's long awaited doom. Finally, the Righteous Man lifted his head and let out a tremulous cry toward the heavens. The crowd was visibly shaken, and with a frightening suddenness, the candle of day was snuffed out. Cries rang out all over the hillside, and, even more startlingly, the earth began to violently shake. The communal terror was palpable, and panic quickly consumed. Fear pleased him; it was, of course, one of his very favorite tools, and this moment of fear was one of the most delicious yet. The observer's excitement was now nearly visible; the brass ring was brushing his fingertips. Soon, so very soon, it would be finished. Suddenly, as quickly as it had been snuffed out, pale, gray daylight broke through the dense canopy of cloud, and it was obvious to all that He was dead. For good measure, one uniformed guard thrust a spear into his side, to be absolutely sure that the deed was done. The rush of fluids was the final confirmation. As they began unceremoniously taking the Carpenter down from His lofty resting place, the disciples were unmoving in their shock and grief. The Man's mother clung desperately to one of them as they shared silent, empty tears, and other women fell prostrate at His side, weighed to the ground by their emptiness and sorrow. For many that day, their most treasured hopes had come to a crushing and unexpected end. The observer, however, paid these things no mind, for he was already well on his way back from whence he came, a sickly smile contorting his already unfortunate face...

...Deep, deep in the darkest recesses imaginable, so far from the presence of The Most High, was a celebration the likes of which most would never wish to see. Drums, of every size and rhythm, beat with an ungodly fury and shook the heated walls of stone, echoing for ages through the cavernous distance, completely drowning out the cries of the condemned. Countless beings of unimaginable terror, representing Earth's every fear and vice, threw their bodies in movement and triumph, with little rhyme or reason dictating the steps. The cavernous space was at once sweeping and stifling; if one looked either up or down, no end could be seen to the chasm in either direction, but a darkness that could be felt with every sense so saturated the air that it was almost impossible to draw a breath. This stifling darkness, however, didn't seen to effect the feverish beings in the slightest. They danced tirelessly, no doubt driven by the victory of the ages. Only one figure managed to remain still among the chaos; the observer stood tall, surrounded by joyous servants, his dark heart overflowing with enough haughty pride and satisfaction to burst it. He was larger, much larger than the others, in fact he actually seemed to be expanding by the moment. 

Finally, FINALLY,

IT

WAS

FINISHED!

The pounding of the massive drums intensified to an almost unbearable pace, shaking the cavern to a frightening quake. The dancers dizzyingly circled the observer at an maniacally increasing clip, not missing one feverish beat. In pure, adulterated self-adoration, he lifted his face and arms to the gaping darkness and began to let out the beginning of a fierce and terrifying war-cry of victory. He had won. After millennia of desperate battle, and enough lies to shatter countless generations of pathetic men, the victory was finally his. He pounded the keys of death and hell against his chest in magnificent fury. They belonged to him now. The cry grew louder, terrifying in its mounting intensity, as the observer contemplated the glory that was now his and his alone. From this moment forward, each and every

one of the dirty, insignificant souls of men would be his to condemn. The dancers joined in the glory with chants of their own, building and layering sound over sound until the chorus was one of deafening terror. The nefarious choir grew louder and louder, surrounded by the beating drums and led by the now enormous observer, when, suddenly, something changed. The cries continued to swell, but in a new and more frightening way. Suddenly, so suddenly, the deepest reaches of the cavern shook far more violently than ever before, until the walls began to crumble and debris showered from above. The observer was

unshaken, but the dancers sensed a disturbing change. One by one, they stopped singing, and one by one, the dancing ceased; the drums beats faded into the darkness, and yet the fierce cries did not fade away. The observer's cry was met, joined, and surpassed by another's, something foreign and yet terrifying to the beings in its vague familiarity. The quaking was now too much to bear, and the frightful

beings scattered, terrified, in any direction they could. Only now did the observer come far enough out of his pride to realize that something was very, very wrong. His battle cry abruptly ceased, but another cry,

the unknown cry, did not. In the distance, the sharp, crushing sound of ripping chains and twisting metal fell upon the observer's ears, and he knew instantly and with great apprehension that someone, somehow, had destroyed the massive gates. This was not right, and for the first time, the observer felt fear.

Then, suddenly...

LIGHT

Every inch of the endless chasm flooded with a light so pure and blinding intense that the observer could not hold open his eyes. Not that it mattered. Light like this doesn't require eyes to see. It flowed and pulsed from its Source in ever increasing waves, filling every crevice with a spectrum of color and glory. The light whitewashed the stone walls with its glorious heat, as only the presence of the Almighty can. The observer was now flat on his back, eyes now forced wide with the greatest expression of utter, complete surprise that has ever existed and that ever would exist in the lifespan of the universe. He was now face to glorious face with the one he thought he'd never see again; the Son of God. But He was different now, so very different.  Only hours before He had been a torn and bloodless shell of a man, but now, oh but now, he was dressed in a robe reaching down to his feet and with a golden sash around his

chest. His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and his eyes were like blazing fire. His feet were like bronze glowing in a furnace, and his voice was like the sound of rushing waters. Strangely enough, for all His surpassing glory, fresh wounds remained on His hands, feet, and side. And the light! That aching, saturating light! The observer, while frozen in terrified shock, for the most fleeting of moments, marveled at the beauty and glory he had so consumingly longed to posses. But in an instant the sharply real terror thundering through his veins, coursing through every inch of his body, brought him back to present moment. All of his minions were long gone; they knew their place, and it was nowhere near the Most High. Instantly, the keys the observer had so proudly been clutching

to his chest were out of his grasp, and into the smoldering hands of Almighty Yeshua. The fire in His eyes grew impossibly intense in that moment, the greatest moment in the history of the world. As the

Almighty looked fiercely into the observer's eyes, the Warrior King His people had waiting for for so long was fully embodied, and as He took back the keys of death and hell, His thundering words changed

everything: "They belong to me." 

Contentment

Not the easiest concept to grasp, is it? 

If you're living in the modern, Western world, "contentment" is almost a dirty word. The mantra seems to be "get more, achieve more, accumulate MORE!" Being satisfied with what you have almost labels you as lacking in motivation and ambition. We're supposed to want more money, more stuff, bigger houses, better cars, more luxury, etc. But then we're all so freakin' stressed-out and wigged-out all the time, so we pursue some semblance of peace at any cost. From the healthy pursuits of exercise, meditation, and silence, to drug use, the abuse of sex or alcohol, self-medication, and self-harm. We want it all, but then we want to somehow be all "zen" about it. Now there's nothing wrong with having money, or nice things, or any of that. But are you content with it all? Do you have peace? Do you actually want what you have rather than just having what you want? 

'Cause there's a big difference.

If you have one pair of shoes in your closet, some food in your kitchen, a home with heat and air conditioning, a warm bed, and unlimited access to clean drinking water, then you are already way ahead of over a billion other humans with whom we share this planet. 

Crazy huh?

It's Sunday night. Right now, you might be stressing out about your upcoming work week (as I was earlier this evening.) But hey now, I actually have a job. I can show up somewhere for 40 hours every week, do something meaningful with my time, and someone will actually pay me to do it. 

That's pretty incredible. 

Right now, I'm sitting in a warm, cozy apartment, typing away on a laptop, utilizing the wonder of the internet, and anytime I need it, I have indoor plumbing and hot running water just steps away. When I wake up tomorrow in my soft, fluffy bed, there will be food in my refrigerator, multiple options of clothing to choose from, and a motorized vehicle just waiting to bring me to work. Wow. Could I possibly be more blessed right now? 

Braden and I are completely addicted to Indian food. We frequent our favorite spot, Spice Junction, at least once a week to indulge in their spectacular delights (seriously, if you live near Columbia, you've gotta try it.) We've gotten to know the sweet family that runs the place, and we always enjoy chatting with them over curry and mango lassis. They have no staff - just a husband, wife, and their two young sons running the business. They good-naturedly told us that they often don't get home from closing up the restaurant until midnight, and every day they have to wake up at 4am to get the kids ready for school and start prepping for the day's business. They do this 6 days a week. And came to American from India because of how much better those 20 hour work-days are than what they had back home. Last night, the son who can't be more than 12 was helping run the cash register, and I marveled at his maturity, his intelligence, and competence. I couldn't help but think that an American kid at a similar stage in life would have simply grunted at us and continued playing Angry Birds. While walking to our car, Braden and I were just blown away by this happy family's work-ethic, and felt utterly ashamed of any time we've ever whined about a "long, stressful day." 

Right this second, I'm so blessed I could cry. I'm so happy with our little home, my 200,000+ mile car, my precious husband, my meaningful-exhausting-fabulous-low-paying job. My beautiful life. Thank you Lord, thank you, for always meeting our every need. 

Philippians 4:11-13
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Je t'aime

It's that time of year again - love it or hate it, Valentine's Day is almost upon us. Being the whimsical-unicorns-and-fairy-dust kinda gal that I am, I've always loved Valentines Day. But for 7 years now, Valentine's week has made me feel extra warm-and-fuzzy for one simple reason: on February 10th, 2005, my best friend got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife.

Seven years ago, my man planned the best pre-Valentine's Day surprise that I never saw coming! We were rocking the whole long-distance-relationship thing, so I was flying into Columbia for a weekend visit. My plane landed around 10 o'clock at night, so I was looking super hot in a hoodie and jeans ;) When we reunited in the airport after a few weeks apart, it was, as always, wonderful. And I couldn't help but notice that Braden was holding a little gift bag in his hand. "I got you a little something; an early Valentine's gift." I smiled and opened the bag to find a big box of chocolates. And there was a hand-written letter on the top of the box. The letter was three pages long, and opened up into the shape of a heart. As I read the beautiful words, Braden stood behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist. At first, I thought it was just a thoughtful gift, but as I continued to read, the letter became more and more beautiful and serious in its intentions! When I finally opened up the heart to reveal the last page, all it said was "Please say yes." I whirled around to find Braden down on one knee in the airport terminal, with a gorgeous diamond ring in his hand. And the rest, as they say, is history :)

Sometimes we like to go back to the airport to sit in the exact spot where we got engaged to smile, talk, and reminisce. What can I say? I have the coolest husband in the world.

The scene of the crime.

Is it silly to pay $3.00 to park at a municipal building just to take pictures and snuggle on a bench? Probably. But I'm cool with that ;)

So no matter who's love you're celebrating this Valentine's Day, make it a joyful day! Celebrate your family, your friends, and the One who created all this lovey-dovey stuff to begin with. (That would be God. If you didn't catch my drift.)

Another way I kicked of Valentine's week right? By hosting my first-ever Gal-entine's Day tea party! (Ya know, like, Valentine's Day for GALS. Thanks Leslie Knope.) And it was FAB!

The centerpiece: Ostrich feathers and gerbera daisies in old spice jars that I covered in glitter!

The menu? Chilled chocolate-covered strawberry soup in martini glasses:

                                     

Lavender rose petal scones, petit fours:

And more tea than we knew what to do with! 

What are your plans for Valentine's Day? A romantic night out? (Or in? ~wink~) A fabulous evening of girl-power? Sappy movies? Horror movies? Weeping into your pint of Ben & Jerry's? I'd love to hear all about it. (But not if it's that last one. If that's you, please refer to my previous post.) 

Jesus would have hung out at gay bars.

I came across this picture the other day, and it touched me so deeply that I wanted to cry. In case you haven't seen it yet, it was taken at a gay-pride parade in Chicago. A Christian group decided to take a bold stand and hold a demonstration at the parade. Not a protest. But an apology. An apology for the way the church has treated the gay community. To say "I'm sorry" for the appalling treatment that many Christians have given homosexuals for countless years. The man in the underwear is named Tristan, and the demonstrator embracing him is Nathan. Nathan wrote this in his blog shortly after the event:

"My favorite though was a gentleman who was dancing on a float. He was dressed solely in white underwear and had a pack of abs like no one else. As he was dancing on the float, he noticed us and jokingly yelled, “What are you sorry for? It’s pride!” I pointed to our signs and watched him read them.

Then it clicked.

Then he got it.

He stopped dancing. He looked at all of us standing there. A look of utter seriousness came across his face. And as the float passed us he jumped off of it and ran towards us. He hugged me and whispered, “thank you.”"

Is that not beautiful? Does that not exactly portray the way Jesus himself reached out to people during His time on this earth? You see, "religious people" never liked Jesus. They called Him a drunkard and a glutton. They hated that He spent His precious time with prostitutes, tax collectors, and "sinners" of all kinds. It really ground their gears that Jesus thought highly of women, and treated them with honor and respect. They didn't like that He got His hands dirty with society's "untouchables," literally reaching out and touching the flesh of rotting lepers. If Jesus was walking the earth today, you'd better believe He'd be hanging out in gay bars. And in brothels. And crack houses. And hospitals. And prisons. And AIDS hospices. And under bridges with the homeless. Jesus would be loving on people everywhere the "religious people" are not! You see, Jesus was all about LOVE. Forgiveness. Compassion. In scripture, the only people you hear Jesus laying judgement down on are the high-and-mighty, legalistic, stick-up-their-butts religious people!

Here's the deal. As a Jesus-follower, I believe that each and every one of us is in exactly the same sin boat. We're all jacked-up, we all have issues, and we all need love, grace, and forgiveness. I have no right whatsoever to judge anyone else. I've got my own issues to worry about! And I am getting sick and tired of legalistic "Christians" who seem to have completely forgotten what Jesus was all about. Isaiah 64:6 states that "all our righteous acts are like filthy rags." It's not possible to be good enough, and a bunch of stupid rules are not getting anyone into heaven. The only thing that can redeem any of us is the grace and forgiveness of Jesus Christ. None of us needs Jesus any less than anyone else. 

Matthew 7:4

How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

So Christians, can we just drop the judgement already? I mean, how dare we. Christians should be the most loving, selfless, forgiving, compassionate people on the planet. And we're not. I believe that the #1 cause of atheism in the world is Christians. And that breaks my heart. So get out there and start loving people, helping people, serving people - in other words, BEING THE CHURCH. We were never meant to lock ourselves up in spotless rooms shining with stained glass, just "reading the manual" for the rest of our lives in our ankle-length denim skirts while casting haughty, superior eyes on those outside the front door. As my pastor likes to say, "the church was never meant to be a museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners." 

And non-Christians, atheists, agnostics, the GLBT community, and every other group of people who the Church has hurt over the centuries, I'm sorry. It is wrong, unfair, and un-Christlike to be filled with hatred and condemnation. There was a reason "religious people" and Jesus never got along - He wasn't one of them. And neither am I.

Dear Single People...

Dear Single People,

Oh, you thought you were off the hook didn't you! After that whole long, drawn-out post to married people, you thought I wasn't going to harp on you. Sorry, not today.

So how's singleness treating you? Are you happy? Content? Are you having fun? Do you know who you are yet? No?

Then you're probably doing it wrong.

First of all, before we really dive in, on behalf of all Married People everywhere, I apologize for how our kind has treated you. I apologize for the set-ups, the blind dates, and the constant asking if you've met "anyone special" recently. It's not fair, it's not right, and it's just downright irritating!

For everyone reading this, single and married alike, hear me now:

SINGLENESS IS NOT A SICKNESS!

If you are single, you do not need to be cured. Singleness is not some aggressive cancer that spreads it's dirty tendrils through your system until it needs to be sliced from your broken, sickly body!

So Married People, stop trying to "fix" Single People. They do not need your sympathy, your clucking, or your balding second cousin. For the love of all that is holy, JUST LET THEM BE!

Ok Single People, back to you. Are you enjoying your time as a Single Person? Because you should be. For most of us, singleness is simply a season of life, and it's meant to be one full of freedom, fun, and self-discovery. So how are you using your time in this season of your life? Your life won't begin when you meet "Prince or Princess Charming." Your life has already started. It's happening right now. So what are you doing with it?

You see, this is the time to really and truly figure out who you are. Do you know who you are yet? Really? Because here's a burning ray of fiery truth comin' right to your brain: You will never know who the right person is for you until you know who you are.

Let that sink in for a moment.

If you choose to marry someone before you really know who you are, you will probably choose to marry the wrong person. And that's a very scary thought.

(Disclaimer: Married People, don't you dare start thinking "Oh! I didn't know who I was when I got married; I must've married the wrong person! I guess I can justify getting a divorce!" WRONG. Nope. You did not get that from me. I believe that marriage should be "until death do us part," and that when you make those vows, you should really give it the ol' college try to make it work. Yeah, maybe you did make some stupid choices in the past, but you can still make your marriage beautiful [see Dear Married People for more on that.] This does not, however, justify staying in an abusive or unfaithful marriage situation.)

So get busy figuring out who you are. And have as much fun as possible in the process! What are your gifts, talents, and passions? What are you good at? What makes you happy? What breaks your heart? You need to know these things about yourself. And don't even try to get into a relationship of any kind until you've figured them out.

Also, if you are dating, are your standards high enough? And if they are high enough, great, but are they unrealistic? Let me tell you the difference, because what I am not saying here is to settle for anything less than the best! (In high school, I made a list of all the things I was looking for in a future spouse that was at least 50 items long, and my husband met every one of them!) Having high standards means only choosing to date someone who is kind, intelligent, motivated, hard-working, considerate, full of integrity, shares your values and beliefs, and is just chock-full of character. Having unrealistic standards means only choosing to date someone who is Italian, plays the harp, leaves a bed of roses in your apartment while you're at work, and will eventually present you with a 3-carat diamond ring on top of the Eiffel Tower. Those things are all awesome, but cut a brother some slack! Even the most fantastic guys can't pull all of that off! Know what things are true must haves, and what things are true deal breakers in a relationship. In fact, I encourage my students to make an ink-and-paper list of their 10 Must-Haves and 10 Can't-Stands. It's great. It's like a shopping list for dating. To get you started, your Must-Haves should probably include honesty, trustworthiness, and a person who is your best friend. And your Can't-Stands should include drug users, people who've been to prison, and cheaters. (These may sound obvious to you, but you would not believe the justifications I've heard from people over the years!) And on that note, it is also awesome to take some time off to just not worry about dating at all! Until you know yourself, there really no point in it anyway. (Plus, less drama in your life is ALWAYS a good thing.)

So Single People, I would encourage you to utilize this rockin' time of your life to its highest potential. Build amazing friendships. Travel the world. Try new things. Get to know yourself. Accomplish something. Revel in the pure girlyness or pure manlyness that is unique to living as a single person. HAVE FUN.

Because here's the thing - a healthy relationship is two whole, complete, content people choosing to share life as a team. It is not two wobbly, sniveling halves of a person looking for completion. Be content. Learn to be completely at peace with just yourself. Because until you reach that state of nirvana, you will never be ready to share your life with another person.

Thanks for listening Single People. You guys ROCK. Now start acting like it!

~Me

And just for fun, a weekend phone dump:

Dear Married People...

Dear Married People,

How's it going? How's married life treating you, for real?

Are you having lots of fun? Are you growing closer to and more fond of your spouse every day? Are you learning new things all the time? Are you and your spouse best friends who really just love hanging out together?

No?

Well then, you're probably doing it wrong.

Now don't get all offended on me right off the bat. Hear me out. Marriage is supposed to be a good thing, a gift, and if it doesn't feel that way to you, then, frankly, you really are probably doing it wrong. But don't worry, because I believe that no matter what state your marriage is in right-this-second, you can start doing it right, right now.

If you're a Christian, marriage is supposed to be this beautiful, glorious picture of Christ and the church: Oneness. Unconditional love. Delight. Joy. Fellowship. Communication. Grace.

Sounds pretty great, right? (Yes. It does. 'Cause it's awesome.) But lately, it has seemed to me that Christians in particular are the worst offenders in the "brace-yo'selves" game. And I'm sick of it! Over and over again, I keep hearing about Christian Married People telling single people, engaged people, and newlyweds some variation of this:

"Brace yourselves! You're in the for hardest time of your life! Once the honeymoon is over, woooeeee, get ready for some pain! Cause it is hard!"

Uh, seriously Married People? Is this how you're inspiring the next generation to strive for a beautiful, life-long marriage relationship? Cause if so, YOU SUCK.

If God intended for marriage to be a picture of Christ and the church, (and He did, just to set that straight), why on earth would He want marriages to be painful, exhausting, life-sucking, and miserable? I think the answer is, He didn't. Marriage is supposed to be good. Why would you choose to spend your whole entire life with someone if you didn't think you could build a peaceful, enjoyable partnership together?

Now notice I used the word build just then. As in, a great marriage takes work. But not in a negative way! Please understand that! Just because something takes effort to achieve doesn't mean that the effort is torture! To have a healthy body, you have to work for it. To make good grades, you have to work for it. And to climb a mountain, you have to work for it, but every step you take brings you to higher plains of beauty, glory, and perspective. Do you see what I'm saying?

Marriage is supposed to be you and your best friend sharing a fabulous adventure together for the rest of your lives. So stop being so freaking discouraging to the newbies!

On that same train of thought, a great marriage should include a fun, exciting, mutually-satisfying sex life.

(Oh yeah. I went there. And BTW, "mutually-satisfying" means that you both are having a fabulous time.)

Once again, this is a part of marriage that should be chock-full of JOY, and yet I hear Married People underselling it to the newbies all the time. No joke, I have heard of Christian premarital counselors, within the last few years mind you, telling young women that sex is just her duty as a wife, and that she probably won't enjoy it.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

Back up the train soldier! If you BOTH are not having an absolutely spectacular time in bed, then you're probably doing it wrong. And more than likely, you're not communicating about it very effectively. And the Bible agrees. Have you ever read Song of Solomon? (And don't even try to get all scholarly on my and say it's just an allegory for Christ and the church. Nah uh. It's about SEX.)

Song of Solomon 7:6-9

How beautiful you are and how pleasing, my love, with your delights!

Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.

I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.”

May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine.

You want to tell me that's Jesus we're talking about here? I didn't think so. This is a Godly marriage! And feel free to go read that whole book of the Bible - don't worry, I'll wait - and then try to tell me that they are not both having a grand ol' time! And not only are they having fun delighting in one another, they're talking about it too! Sex is something you need to talk about with your spouse, and good, honest, open communication does a world of good in solving problems in this area. So I suggest you dim the lights, lock the door, and start having your own grand ol' time, together!

So here's the deal Married People - marriage is supposed to be fun.

If you're not best friends with your spouse, start working on that today. Talk. Do stuff together. Just hang out. Communicate about everything. Laugh. Make silly inside jokes. Cuddle. Play. Just have some fun together!

If you're not falling more madly in love with your spouse every single day, start today. Focus on the positive. Be thankful for all of the beautiful things that made you fall in love with them in the first place. (Write those things down.) And just open your heart. Be honest. Transparent. Kind. Show grace. Don't hold a grudge. Love them actively. (Because love is a choice, a verb. Not a feeling.)

And for goodness sake, stop discouraging those who aren't even out of the gate yet! Any marriage can be beautiful. Glorious. Joyful. Fun. Yours can be these things! And so can their's. So don't bring them down.

I hope you weren't offended by my letter Married People. Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

Me.

Counting the gifts

Right this minute, I'm tearing through this book:

And it's absolutely slaying me. I'm highlighting what seems like every other passage. It's blowing my mind. It's all about savoring and embracing and drinking deep of life. And being deeply grateful in every moment. Even the moments filled with pain. It's beautiful and profound and breathtaking.

And I've started my list of 1000 gifts.

In my little notebook made of elephant-poo paper.

I started about 5 minutes ago, and I already have 14 items.

Won't you consider counting 1000 of your gifts from God?

I think this is going to be a rockin' journey.

Fear not.

I do not want to write this post.

Just thought I'd start off with some transparency there. I'm scared that by writing all of this down for all the world to see, that you will judge me. That you will think less of me. That you will realize that I have never had it all together. That you will think I'm crazy. Weak. But as my pastor always says, "This ain't the Christian prom!" And I feel like I need to write it. I feel like I need to share about a journey that I went on through a very dark place, because I couldn't even begin the process of coming out of that dark place until I found out, rather startlingly, that I was not alone.

That was the game-changer for me. And maybe it will be the game-changer for someone reading this. I need to write (maybe to you) about my journey through chronic anxiety, panic-attacks, and depression. If that's a place you're in right now, (or have ever been), you are not alone my friend.

First of all, I've always had a natural bent toward anxiety - my personality is an extremely empathetic one, (to this day, I have a very hard time separating myself from other people's problems, feelings, and pain), I tend to be a hard-core worst-case-scenario thinker, I'm very creative and artistic (this, I later learned, is a risk factor for these kinds of problems. Who knew?), and I'm a very cerebral person, spending alot of time in my own head. This combination of factors and personality traits is, apparently, kind of a perfect-storm for anxiety related problems.

But it wasn't until high school that these issues really started rearing their ugly heads in my life. Maybe it was the hormones, the teenage drama, I really don't know. Somewhere around my 15th-16th years, I started having real, honest-to-God panic attacks. Now if you've ever had a panic attack, you know how terrifying they can be. If you haven't experienced this particular rush, understand that people have actually been hospitalized for a heart attack, and it turned out to be "just" a panic attack causing them all the same symptoms. Which is pretty freakin' intense. For me, they were usually initiated by a spiraling pattern of negative, horrifying thoughts that I simply could not control. (Something I later learned in counseling is caused by my relatively minor case of obsessive-compulsive disorder.) Often, these thoughts involved worst-case-scenarios regarding absolutely every daily situation I encountered. If I was driving down the road and a tanker truck was about to pass by, my mind would instantly visualize it smashing into my car and exploding into a ball of flames. If my baby brother was crawling near me on the kitchen floor while I was unloading the dishwasher, my mind would conjure up an image of me dropping a steak knife directly onto the soft-spot on his head. On and on, over and over, day after day, I was plagued by terrifying thoughts that, like a cancerous tumor, wrapped their tendrils securely around my brain. Inoperable. Impossible to eradicate. I couldn't breathe. There was a literal, tangible weight on my chest. Soon, I was having 4-5 panic attacks every single day, I couldn't sleep, and I was just paralyzed by fear.

And I felt completely alone.

I felt like I was losing my mind, truly going crazy, and that no one else had ever felt the way I was feeling. Consumed, every moment of every day, with panic, fear, and the sickening images that were swirling around in my mind. I didn't tell anyone about it, because I thought they'd have me committed. I was terrified of snapping, of finally going off the deep-end. More than anything, I feared hurting someone else. So, to comfort myself, I decided that if it ever got to that point, I would just drown myself in the bathtub before anyone got hurt. I never wanted to die, I just wanted to protect those around me from what I truly believed was my insanity.

These were my darkest days.

I remember being up in the middle of the night over and over again, pleading with God, weeping to Him, to save me from my torment. To give me peace. To take away my fears. And getting no response. Just silence. Just moonlight spilling all over the floor. (Which was where I often tried to sleep. I don't know why.)

But then two big things happened that changed everything. (And I don't remember the order that they happened in, but I do know they both happened within a relatively short period of time.) One, I broke down and told someone about what was going on. Inexplicably, an unlikely friend and her mom at a sleepover. Crazily enough, they had some personal experience with these issues, and they were the very first people to tell me that I was not alone. Two, I saw an infomercial (I know, right?) during one of my many sleepless nights advertising a program specifically designed for people suffering from chronic anxiety and depression. That infomercial described people just like me, normal people, sane people, who felt the same things that I was feeling, and came out on the other side OK. That night, I wept uncontrollably, crying out to God, so thankful, so lighter-than-air, just knowing that I wasn't the only person in the universe feeling the way I felt. For the first time, a ray of light started cutting through the darkness. I felt hope.

So, needless to say, that friend's mom told my parents about my "bathtub plan," which really freaked them out, and they sent me to counseling. Which was exactly what I needed. In counseling, I learned that I was not crazy. That countless other humans dealt with the same issues that I was dealing with. That being smart and creative put me at high-risk for these kinds of problems (go figure.) And that I had obsessive-compulsive disorder, but it didn't have to ruin my life. Plus, we bought that program from the infomercial. I learned techniques for dealing with my panic attacks, and for not freaking out about thoughts I couldn't control. It took alot of time, trust, and patience, but as I sit here typing to you today, about 10 years later, I can tell you that I have been almost completely free from panic attacks for many, many years. I still struggle with anxiety, and I probably always will to some degree, but God has healed me and redeemed me in ways I never could have imagined. Now, I am truly free. I also realize now, looking back, that God protected me from so many things during that difficult season of my life. For example, I never turned to self-harm of any kind. I never tried to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. Not because I'm something special, but because God was carrying me, looking out for me, and sheltering me from all kinds of dangerous paths I could've taken had I not been trusting in Him. I also never required prescription medication to help overcome my anxiety.(Though I feel I must clarify that I have no problem whatsoever with such treatments, and acknowledge that they are necessary in many situations. In my own personal case, I just didn't happen to utilize them in my recovery.)

God reached out to me in some unlikely ways to show me that I wasn't alone, and to get me on the road to trust, peace, and healing. Maybe it's the internet that will let you know that you are not alone today. That will let you know that God loves you more than you can ever imagine, and that He will not leave you high-and-dry no matter how dire the situation may seem.

You are going to be alright.

You are not alone.

Fear not.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Recommended Reading

New segment! (Or first-ever segment I suppose.) I love love love to read, and I get really excited about whatever I'm currently devouring, so I thought it would be fun to throw my recent favorites up on my blog, and I want to hear about your current faves too! If you're looking for something new and interesting to try out, maybe you'll find something here.

Here's a handful of gems I've discovered in the last few months:

Fiction:

Beautifully written; gives a fascinating and realistic picture of circus life during the Great Depression.

An equal parts heart-wrenching and uplifting look at race relations in American in the 1960's. Beautiful characters with unique voices.

Deeply intriguing view into 19th century rural China and the lives of the women who lived in the inner realm.

Non-fiction:

Frank, fun, and challenging. A must-read for women of this generation!

This one made me seriously reevaluate even the most seemingly innocent cultural and media influences on young women. Fascinating - makes you think.

Beautiful, inspiring, and insanely challenging. The story of a well-to-do teenager who gave it all up to live in Uganda with 14 adopted daughters. Wow.

Is space travel really all it's cracked up to be? Hilarious, smart, and well researched.

Dad, you will LOVE this one! An easy to digest history of disease, health, and the good, bad, and ugly ways we've handled it all.

Not nearly as wigged-out-crunchy-granola as it may sound to some. Simply empowers women to have extremely healthy, positive, happy, and empowered birth experiences. Very informative.

So what are you reading these days?

Intentions.

New Year's Resolutions kinda suck.

In my own personal experience, they tend to start off sweeping and grandiose, only to soon fade into the background, (as a constant, dim sense of nagging guilt), until eventually they are banished from my mind completely.

In light of that, this year I've decided to choose "words of intention" for the entirety of 2012. Not so much specific goals, but overall concepts that I hope to integrate into every facet of my life in a deeper and more revolutionary way over the course of every day, every week, and every month, throughout the whole year.

Narrowing my ideas was tough, but I managed to whittle it down to 4 core concepts that I want to fully embrace this year:

Brave - to be courageous in all circumstances, to be willing to get out of my comfort-zone.

Create - to constantly be pouring creative energy into multiple positive and beautiful outlets.

Learn - to continually challenge and expand my mind by actively and critically thinking, absorbing, and devouring information.

Trust - to lean on God completely and not on my own understanding.

I've written each of my intention words on a chalkboard in the hallway outside our bedroom, so I'll be reminded of them constantly. I'll keep you up-to-date on my adventures in each area of this challenge!

All that said, we just returned from 11 days of sparkly-Christmas-magic in warm, lovely, green, sea-kissed Florida, and it's taking me a bit of time to transition back into the 28-degree-real-world.

But what an incredible trip. Highlight reel:

We won the gingerbread-house contest (clearly)

A candle-lit Christmas Eve

PJ'd with the bros on Christmas morning

And lots and lots of this glory

Kindle + ocean = bliss

My tribe

My favorite guys in the world

Mom and I gettin' all fancy at Lady Anne's Tea Room

Plenty of whimsical sand-art

And QT with this fine-lookin' man

Oh how I love him

Sparklers + New Year's Eve + a cookout on the beach = best fun ever

So yeah, it was thebomb.com. I miss them already. Like crazy. But now I'm diving into 2012 with both feet. Cheers to a year filled with adventures, new experiences, new knowledge, and more love than we know what to do with! Happy New Year!